Cheese Sandwich's Musical Days
by Deviant Crew
Summary: Watch the adventures of Cheese Sandwich accompanied by "Weird Al" Yankovic's best hits, and hang out with the Mane characters.
1. Song 1- Trapped in the Drive Thru

"People of Equestria, we have a special announcement!" Flim says.

"We've thought of a new way to order food, now! We call it, the drive-thru!" Flam says.

The Flim Flam Brothers pull off a tarp, revealing the new location.

"No more waiting in line for food! Now you can order in your wagon, and continue along swiftly!"

"I don't like the sound of this." Applejack says.

"I'll have Celestia shut this down if it doesn't work, Flim Flam Brothers!" Twilight warns.

"It will work, don't you worry." Flam smirks.

* * *

><p>Seven O'clock in the evening<br>Watching something happening outside  
>I'm zoned out at the window<br>When someone sees me, it's my wife

She says "Is this 'Behind the Music'  
>With Lynard Skynard?"<br>And I say "I don't know.  
>Say, it's gettin' late...what you wanna do for dinner?<p>

She says "I kinda had a big lunch.  
>So I'm not super hungry."<br>I said "Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either  
>But I could eat."<p>

She said "So what do you have in mind?"  
>I said "I don't know what about you?"<br>She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."  
>I said "That's what we're gonna do!<br>But first you gotta tell me  
>What it is you're hungry for!"<br>And she says "Let me think...  
>...What's left in our refrigerator?"<p>

I said "Well, there's tuna, I know."  
>She said "That went bad a week ago!"<br>I said "Is the chili OK?"  
>She said "You finished that yesterday!"<p>

I hopped up and I said  
>"I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?"<br>She's like "Why would I want to eat liver?  
>I don't even like liver!"<p>

I'm like "No, I said 'delivered'."  
>She's like "I heard you say liver!"<br>I'm like "I should know what I said..."  
>She's like "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"<p>

Well I was gonna say something  
>But our telephone started to ring<br>Now who could be callin' me?  
>Well I checked the caller ID<p>

It was just cousin Larry  
>Callin' for the third time today...<br>My wife said "You can call him later."  
>I said, "OK.<br>Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right  
>So what d'ya want to do?"<br>She said "Why don't you whip up something in the kitchen?"  
>"Yeah," I said, "Why don't you?"<br>And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"

I says "No"  
>She says "Yes"<br>I says "No"  
>She says "Yes"<br>I says "No"  
>She says "Yes...<br>...Oh, here's your keys"

I step a little bit closer  
>Say "OK, where you want to go?"<br>She says "How about The Ivy?"  
>I said "Yeah, well I don't know..."<br>I don't feel like gettin all dressed up  
>And eatin' expensive food<br>She's says "Olive Garden?"  
>I say "Nah, I'm not in the mood...<p>

...And Burrito King would make me gassy  
>There's no doubt"<br>She says "Just forget about it"  
>I said "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"<p>

Then I get an idea  
>I say "I know what we'll do!"<br>She says "What?"  
>I say "Guess"<br>She says "What?"  
>I say "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"<p>

So we head out the front door  
>Pull the wagon tarp to the floor<br>Then I open the wagon doors  
>And we get in those wagon doors<p>

I pick the wagon reigns  
>And then I whip it sideways<br>Then she hold on tightly  
>As we pull out the driveway<p>

Then we drive to the drive-thru  
>Heading off to the drive-thru<br>We're approaching the drive-thru  
>Getting close to the drive-thru!<p>

Almost there at the drive-thru  
>Now we're here at the drive thru<br>Here in line at the drive-thru  
>Did I mention the drive-thru?<p>

Well here we are  
>In the drive-thru line, me and her.<br>Wagons in front of us, wagons in back of us.  
>All just waiting to order<p>

There's a Pegasus with a mirror  
>Reflecting sunlight right at me<br>I lean out the window and scream  
>"Hey, what you trying to do, blind me?"<p>

My wife says "Maybe we should park...  
>...We could just go eat inside."<br>I said "I'm wearin' bunny slippers  
>So I ain't leavin' this ride..."<p>

Now a woman on a speaker box  
>Is saying "Can I take your order, please?"<br>I said "Yes indeed, you certainly can  
>We'd like two grassburgers with onions and cheese."<p>

Then my wife says  
>"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!<br>I think I'm gonna have a celery sandwich  
>Instead, this time"<p>

I said "You always get a grassburger!"  
>She says "That's not what I'm hungry for."<br>I put my head in my hooves and screamed,  
>"I don't know who you are anymore!"<p>

The voice on the speaker says  
>"I don't have all day!"<br>I said "Then, take our order,  
>And we'll be on our way!<br>I wanna get a celery sandwich  
>And I want a grassburger, too<br>She's like "You want onions on that?"  
>I'm like "Yeah, I already said that I do...<p>

...Plus we need apple fries  
>And don't you dare forget it!<br>And two medium root beers  
>No, just one, we'll split it."<p>

Then I said "I'm guessing that  
>You're probably not too bright...<br>So read me back my order  
>Let's make sure you got it right."<p>

She says "One, you want a celery sandwich.  
>Two, you want a grassburger<br>Three, apple fries, and a large root beer"  
>"Stop, don't go no further!"<p>

"I never ordered a large rootbeer  
>I said medium, not large!"<br>Then she says "We're havin' a special,  
>I supersized you at no charge."<p>

"Oh." And that's all  
>I could say, was "Oh."<br>And she says "Now there is somethin' else  
>That I really think you should know.<p>

You can have unlimited refills  
>For just a quarter more..."<br>I say "Great, except we're in the drive thru...  
>So what would I want that for?"<p>

Then she says "Wait a minute  
>Your voice sounds so familiar... hey, is this Paul?<br>And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul,  
>Now tell me, who's this Paul?"<p>

She says "Oh, he's just some guy  
>Who goes to school with me.<br>I sat behind him last year  
>And I copied off him in Geometry."<p>

I said "I know a guy named Paul.  
>He used to be my plumber<br>He was prematurely bald  
>And he moved to Cloudsdale last summer.<p>

He also had bladder problems  
>And a really bad infection on his toe."<br>And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,  
>That's way more than I needed to know!"<p>

And then we both were quiet  
>And I coughed for a flit<br>Then she says "Next window please,  
>That'll be five hundred and eighty two bits."<p>

So we inched ahead in line  
>Movin' painfully slow<br>I got a little bored  
>So I turned on the music show...<p>

_'Cause all I love to make you smile, smile, smile!  
>It fills my heart with sunshine all the while, yes it does<br>'Cause all I really need is a smile, smile, smile,  
>From these happy friends of...<em>

Click, turned it off  
>Because my wife was getting a headache<br>So we both just sat there quietly  
>For her sake.<p>

Then I looked at her  
>And she looked back at me<br>And I said "Um,  
>I think you have something in your teeth."<p>

She turned away from me  
>And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"<br>I said "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...  
>But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."<p>

Then she said "How about now?"  
>I said "Yeah, almost.<br>There's still a little bit there  
>But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."<p>

Now we're at the pay window  
>Lady's eyes have got sag<br>Put my hoof in my satchel  
>I can't believe there's no Bit Bag!<p>

And the lady at the window's like,  
>"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty two."<br>I turn around to my wife, and say  
>"How much have you got on you?"<p>

She just rolls her eyes and says  
>"I'll pay for this, I guess."<br>So she pulls out her Canterlot Bit Bag  
>From a pocket in her dress<p>

I hand it to the lady  
>And she says "Oh, dear.<br>It's gotta be Pony Bits  
>We don't take Canterlot here."<p>

I took back the bag and said  
>"That really dampens my spirit."<br>And that's when I found out  
>My wife was only carrying three bits.<p>

I said "I thought you were  
>Going to hit the Pony Bank today"<br>She says "I never got around to it  
>So where's your Bit Bag anyway?<p>

And I said "Nevermind,  
>Just help me to find some change..."<br>Now the lady at the window  
>Is lookin at me kinda strange...<p>

And she says "Mister, please,  
>We gotta move this line along"<br>I said "Now hold your stinking horses lady,  
>We won't be long."<p>

We looked around inside the glove-box  
>And check the mat beneath my feet<br>I found a silver in the ashtray  
>And a couple copper and a gold in the space between he seats<p>

Before long I had a little pile  
>Of coins of every sort<br>The lady counts it up and says  
>"You're still about fifty bits short"<p>

And now my woman's got this weird look  
>Frozen on her face<br>She screams, "You know  
>I wasn't even really hungry in the first place!"<p>

And so I turned around  
>To the cashier again<br>I shrugged and said "OK  
>Forget the celery sandwich then"<p>

So I pick up my change  
>Pick up my receipt<br>And I drive to the pickup window  
>Man, I just can't wait to eat<p>

And now we see this acne ridden  
>Kid about sixteen<br>Wearing a dorky nametag that says  
>"Hello, my name is Eugene."<p>

And he gives me a paper bag  
>I look him in the eyes<br>And I say to him "Hey, Eugene,  
>Can I get some ketchup for my fries?"<p>

Well he looks at me  
>And I look at him<br>And he looks at me  
>And I look at him<p>

And he looks at me  
>And I look at him<br>And he says "I'm sorry  
>What did you want again?"<p>

I say "Ketchup!"  
>And he says "Oh yeah, that's right...<br>...I just spaced out there for a second  
>I'm really kind of burnt tonight."<p>

And then he gives me the ketchup  
>And now we're finally drivin' away<br>And the food is drivin' me mad  
>With its intoxicating bouquet<p>

I'm starvin' to death  
>By the time we pull up at the traffic light<br>I say "Baby, gimme that burger,  
>I just gotta have a bite!"<p>

So she reaches in the bag  
>And pulls out the burger<br>And she hands me the burger  
>And I pick up the burger<p>

And then I unwrap the paper  
>I bite into those buns<br>And I just can't believe it  
>They forgot the onions!<p>

* * *

><p>"Well, so much for that working." Flim said.<p>

"Just another idea, wasted." Flam says as they watch the drive-thru being shut down.

"Back to the drawing board for us." They both say.


	2. Song 2- Word Crimes

"Now, can I trust you to teach these children while I'm gone, Mr. Sandwich?" Cheerilee asks.

"I have the perfect way to educate and have fun! You don't have to worry about anything. I've got this." Cheese Sandwich smiles.

His smile made Cheerilee relax a little. "Thank you for this. I hate to leave the children, but emergencies suddenly show up."

"I hope your mother gets well." Cheese Sandwich adds.

"Thank you, Cheese Sandwich." She smiles before leaving.

Meanwhile...

"I wonder what we're going to learn today." Sweetie Belle says as the Cutie Mark Crusaders walk to school.

"You ask that every time, Sweetie Belle. Probably nothing interesting." Scootaloo retorts.

"Who knows? Something in school might bring us closer to our Cutie Marks!" Apple Bloom replies.

"Yeah, you may never know, Scootaloo!" Sweetie Belle nods.

"Whatever. We'll just see."

They reach the school when the bell rings, and they all head inside. Instead of seeing the purple pony as always, they saw the quirky orange pony with the yellow polo shirt.

"Hey, kids!" Cheese greets all of them.

"I didn't realize Cheerilee hired a clown as a substitute teacher." Diamond Tiara scoffs. Some of the fillies laugh.

Cheese Sandwich laughs, which catches Diamond Tiara off guard. "That was pretty good, but I'm just no clown. I'm much more. Sit down, children."

They all take their seats as Cheese walks up to the front.

"Let's talk English, fillies. There's some ponies out there who don't use proper English, and it's very bad for the way others see them."

Apple Bloom raises her hoof.

"Yes, Apple Bloom?"

"Can you give us an example?" She asks.

Cheese Sandwich smiles again. "I'm glad you asked."

* * *

><p>Everypony hush up, woo!<br>Everyone listen up!  
>Hey, hey, hey, uh<br>Hey, hey, hey  
>Hey, hey, hey<p>

If you can't write in the proper way  
>If you don't know how to conjugate<br>Maybe you flunked that class  
>And maybe now you find<br>That people mock you mock you all the time.

Okay, now here's the deal  
>I'll try to educate ya<br>Gonna familiarize  
>You with the nomenclature<br>You'll learn the definitions  
>Of nouns and prepositions<br>Literacy's your mission  
>And that's why I think it's a<p>

Good time  
>To learn some grammar<br>Now, did I stammer  
>Work on that grammar<br>You should know when  
>It's "less" or it's "fewer"<br>Like people who were  
>Never raised in a sewer<p>

I hate these word crimes  
>Like I could care less<br>That means you do care  
>At least a little<br>Don't be a moron  
>You'd better slow down<br>And use the right pronoun  
>Show the world you're no clown<br>Everypony wise up!

He shows the sentence: "Every dog has it's day on the board"

Say you got an "I","T"  
>Followed by apostrophe, "s"<br>Now what does that mean?  
>You would not use "it's" in this case!<br>As a possessive  
>It's a contraction<br>What's a contraction?  
>Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words<br>By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes  
>Syntax you're always mangling<br>No "x" in "espresso"  
>Your participle's dangling<br>But I don't want your drama  
>If you really wanna<br>Leave out that Oxford comma  
>Just keep in mind<p>

That "be", "see", "are", "you"  
>Are words, not letters<br>Get it together  
>Use your spellchecker<br>You should never  
>Write words using numbers<br>Unless you're seven  
>Or your name is Prince<p>

I hate these word crimes  
>You really need a<br>Full time proofreader  
>You dumb mouth-breather<br>Well, you should hire  
>Some cunning linguist<br>To help you distinguish  
>What is proper English<p>

One thing I ask of you  
>Time to learn your homophones is past due<br>Learn to diagram a sentence too  
>Always say "to whom"<br>Don't ever say "to who"  
>And listen up when I tell you this<br>I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis  
>You finished second grade<br>I hope you can tell  
>If you're doing good or doing well<br>About better figure out the difference  
>Irony is not coincidence<br>And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull  
>What's figurative and what's literal<br>Oh but, just now, you said  
>You literally couldn't get out of bed<br>That really makes me want to literally  
>Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head<p>

I read your letters  
>It's quite apparent<br>Your grammar's errant  
>You're incoherent<br>Read your story  
>It's really fantastic<br>That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!)  
>'Cause you write like a spastic<p>

I hate these Word Crimes  
>Your prose is dopey<br>Think you should only  
>Write in emoji<br>Oh, you're a lost cause  
>Go back to pre-school<br>Get out of the gene pool  
>Try your best to not drool<p>

Never mind I give up  
>Really now I give up<br>Hey, hey, hey  
>Hey, hey, hey<br>Go Away!

* * *

><p>"Yeah! Now that was a lesson!" Scootlatoo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle applaud by stomping their hooves.<p>

"Did he just insult my intelligence?" Diamond Tiara's rage is rising.

"Oh dear, this isn't good." Silver Spoon sinks in her seat.

"I will buy and sell you, substitute teacher!" Diamond Tiara screams.

"Oh really? And your father is supposed to be big and mighty?" Cheese replies.

"He's Filthy Rich!"

This made Cheese Sandwich's smile fade. He talks as he walks towards the door. "Weeeeeell, I think that's enough teaching and learning for one day, don't you think kids? Yeah, that was a good lesson today, I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my career options a little more."

"But it's only 10 O'clock. There's still plenty of time in..." Sweetie Belle tries to explain, but he's already at the door.

"Recess for the rest of the day. Bye!" He opens the door and sprints away from the school.


End file.
